Human: What is a century like to you?
God: It is like s second.
Human: What is billion dollars like to you?
God: Like a penny..
Human: Can i have a penny?
God: Sure, just wait for a second...

A new teacher enters to the course and she presents:
Good morning, my name is Long.
Johnny says:
No matter, we have time.

How do you keep an idiot busy?
(See below)

How do you keep an idiot busy?
(See above)

At school, the teacher says
Lets see Luis, how do you imagine the ideal school?
Closed, teacher!

Do you know that my brother rides a bike since age four?
Mmm, he should be far away.

Come on, son, how much is 4 by 4?
Tie.
How much is 2 for 1?
Sale.

This is a lady who calls a butcher shop and asks:
Do you have rabbit ears?
Yes
And pig's head?
Yes
My God! Are you a monster?

What did Tarzan say to a mouse?
Small and with a mustache!
And what the mouse says to Tarzan?
So big and in a diaper!
 
 
Girl: Do you know why were females created before males?
Boy: Because god needed a rough draft before the final copy!

A Horse goes into a bar and the bartender says
"Hey buddy, Why the Long Face"
heello, iss tthhatt thhee sshhoop iii boouugghht thhee vviibbrrattorr ffrroomm. yes. ccaann yyoouu tteell mmee hhooww ttoo ttuurrnn tthhee tthhiinngg ooffff.

Patient: Doctor! Doctor! Everyone keeps on copying me!
Doctor: Doctor! Doctor! Everyone keeps on copying me!

There were two doctors in a cave, because one of them said:
"Hi!
Echo says:
- Hiiiiii!The doctor says:
- Is anyone here?
Echo says:
- Is anyone hereeeee?
The other doctor says
- I otolaryngologist!
And the echo says:
- That you are whaaaat?

There once was a tomatito and a tomatita happily as they walked in the street! When suddenly a car ran over tomatito!
And tomatita says to tomatito:
- Tomatito what have you done?
And tomatito replies
- Ketchup.

A drunken man comes home late, the woman who was waiting for him says:
- Look at the time you are arriving! 
- Who said I've am arriving? I just came to get my guitar.

What does zero says to eight?
Why do you tighten the belt.

What is bigger, the moon or the sun?
The moon, that can go out at night.
 
 
Today a bonus. No reading...videos.
 
 
Twins were siting at bathroom.
One was laughing and one was sad.
Dad asked: What happened?
One kid replied happily: Mom has got him bath two times in this winter..

Son: Why do barbers become good drivers shortly?
Father replied in short: Because they know all the short cuts...

First friend: Dear, i love lipsticks, they are very tasty.
Next Day..
Second friend: You are liar, i bought 10 lipsticks and ate them!

Son: Why do you have problem of cavities?
Father: Because you mom is so sweet!

Where does the one legged waitress work?
The Ihop

Two snowmen are standing in a field. 
One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too"
  • I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
  • When did you first notice this problem?
    What problem?

  • Sam: Would you punish me for some thing i didn't do?
  • Teacher: no, of course not.
    Sam: good, because i didn't do my homework

    What do you call a dog with no legs?
    Doesn't matter... he won't come to you anyway! 



    Why do women have smaller feet than men? 
    So they can stand closer to the stove. 

     
     
    Teacher: Name two days of the week that start with "t".
    Pupil: Today and Tomorrow. 

    Teacher asked George: how can you prove the earth is round?
    George replied: I can't. Besides, I never said it was.

    Teacher: You missed school yesterday didn't you?
    Pupil: Not very much! 

    Why are you late for school?
    Because of the Sign.
    What Sign?
    The sign that says "School ahead go slow"

    Teacher: Could you please pay a little attention?
    Student: I'm paying as little attention as I can. 

    "Dad, can you write in the dark?""
    I think so. What is it you want me to write?"
    "Your name on this report card.
    "The child comes home from his first day at school.

    Mother asks, "What did you learn today?"
    The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."

    Pupil: I don't think I deserved zero on this test!
    Teacher: I agree, but that's the lowest mark I could give you!

    Teacher: You aren't paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing?
    Pupil: No, teacher I'm having trouble listening!
     
     
    TEACHER: What's the longest word in the English language ?
    Pupil: Smiles - because there is a mile between the first and last letters !

    TEACHER: What is an island ?
    Pupil: A piece of land surrounded by water except on one side.
    TEACHER: On one side ?
    Pupil: Yes, on top !

    MUM:Why does your geography exam have a big zero over it?
    Pupil: It's not a zero, the teacher ran out of stars, so she gave me a moon instead !

    Teacher: What's 2 and 2?
    Pupil: 4
    Teacher: That's good.
    Pupil: Good?, that's perfect!

    Teacher: Where is your homework?
    Pupil: I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren't the best teacher in the school

    Mother: What did you learn in school today
    Son: How to write 
    Mother: What did you write?
    Son: I don't know, they haven't taught us how to read yet

    Teacher: Be sure that you go straight home
    Student: I can't, I live just round the corner!
     
     
    Patient: Doctor, what does the X-ray of my head show?
    Doctor: Absolutely nothing!

    Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
    Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
    Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
    Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?
    Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday

    A: Do you want to hear a dirty joke? 
    B: Ok A: A white horse fell in the mud.

    Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies? 
    Student: I don't know. 
    Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from? 
    Student: We borrow it from our neighbor

    Son: Dad, what is an idiot? 
    Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me? 
    Son: No.

    Teacher: "Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?" 
    Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?" 
    Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!" 
    Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!"